25 June 2008

OC versus LA

Do you ever get annoyed when people say, "Oh, you're from Portland? I went to Seattle once, it was really nice."

GAH! Seattle and Portland are not the same place! Get a map, people.

That's how I feel when people ask me how I like living in Los Angeles. Sorry, guys, I really need to get this off my chest. I do not live in Los Angeles - and I've created a map to illustrate this fact.

The first marker (A) shows Los Angeles. The second marker (B) shows where I live. Marker C is San Diego. I live 60 miles south of LA, okay?

map of portland to monmouthI live as far from LA is Olympia is from Seattle. When I drive up there it's the same as driving from Portland to Monmouth.

More importantly, there are significant differences between LA people and Orange County people. You may be thinking, "yeah, but it's still Southern California."

I challenge you to tell someone from Long Island, NY they have a lot in common with someone from Newark, NJ. See what I'm saying?

Check it out:

LA People: try to act smart
OC People: take pride in being oblivious

LA People: think they're better than you
OC People: there are other people besides me?

LA: Cougars
OC: Golddiggers

LA: calculated decisions to move up the corporate ladder
OC: we invented "no-brainer"

Friends reading this in LA:
I'm painting in broad strokes here of course none of the above applies to you, just as none of the OC stuff applies to me. Besides - we're all imports anyway.

My last visit to LA was a trip - and I mean "trip" in both the actual and the slang definition. I tried to approach dinner in Santa Monica as though I were doing a piece for National Geographic:

Here's the Jr. Entertainment Lawyer who may one day sprout her wings - venturing away from the corporate nest to open her own firm. Here's the host of a home improvement show on a third-tier cable network. Look how she spreads her plumage for the male populace. Sadly, she is nearing the end of her useful life. In a few short years, she will be ostracized . . . or eaten.

. . . you get the idea.

I was happy to make the drive back to Orange County where no one really gives a shit what I do or who I work for.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

12 June 2008

Soundtrack to the Movie of Your Life

Here's the proposition:

Create the soundtrack of your life.

Set your iPod to random shuffle and fill in the blanks below as each song comes up. No cheating!

This is what my iPod spit out:

Opening Credits - Glory: LIZ PHAIR
Waking up - Moscas in La Cama: SHAKIRA
Falling in love - A Gentleman, An Automobile: SYBRIS
Fight song - Ramble On: LED ZEPPELIN
Break up song - White Suckers: KRISTEN HERSH
Making Up - Bug Rain: LOOPER
Life's Okay - She Walks on Me: HOLE
Mental Breakdown - Leopard of Honor: DESTROYER
Driving - When I Was a Painter: THE BREEDERS
Flashbacks - Found A Job: TALKING HEADS
Happy Dance - Motownphilly: BOYZ 2 MEN
Regret - Low Red Moon - BELLY
Final Battle - oh! : SLEATER-KINNEY
Death Scene - What Did Your Last Servant Die Of? : THE WEDDING PRESENT
Final Credits - Don't Cry: GUNS N' ROSES

All in all there were a couple of freaky coincidences and a couple of embarrassing ones. Guess I can't hide from my parachute-panted past. Here's a blank list if you want to try it for yourself:

Opening Credits:
Waking up:
Falling in love:
Fight song:
Break up song:
Making Up:
Life's Okay:
Mental Breakdown:
Happy Dance:
Final Battle:
Death Scene:
Final Credits:

04 June 2008

My Top 5 Vice Presidential Running Mate Nominees

I doubt Barack Obama is a loyal reader of Behind the Orange Curtain - but just in case: here are my top five suggestions for the democratic vice-presidential nominee:

#1 R. Lee Ermey - Staff Sergeant USMC (retired)

R Lee ErmeyAdvantages: the most entertaining vice-presidential debate in history.
Disadvantages: if the Congressman from Arizona does not wipe that shit-eating grin off his face, Ermey will gouge the Congressman's eyes out and skull fuck him.

#2 Al Gore - The Bridesmaid

Al GoreAdvantages: 8 years experience, Nobel Peace Prize winner, harbinger of all that is earth-destroying (global warming, Manbearpig, etc).

Drawbacks: where were those superhero powers when he did work on Capitol Hill? Is the Washington Monument made of kryptonite?

#3 John Cusack - The Unconventional Hero

John CusackAdvantages: historical precedent for his candidacy, will secure the votes of music geeks and every red-blooded American woman.

Disadvantages: no political experience, starring role in Must Like Dogs suggests Cusack's standard of ethics may depend on size of paycheck.

#4 Oprah - America's Best Friend

Oprah for vice-presidentAdvantages: already an Obama supporter, wealthiest woman in showbiz, promotes reading, founded school in Africa, initiated Child Protection Act (see Oprah's Bill)
Disadvantages: government bureaucracy would only lessen her ability to make the world a better place.

#5 My Mom

Advantages: would not tolerate any backtalk from the president, Congress, or anyone else for that matter, unstoppable, "because I said so," platform, passes for Mexican in South Dakota.
Disadvantages: wouldn't move to Washington DC, easily persuaded by lobbyists with Japanese food.

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