18 May 2008

Too much freedom

There's a comedian (Chris Rock?) who does a bit called "Too Much Freedom." The gist is: Americans have wealth and resources most countries could only dream of . . . and we use this bounty to create innane products like scented tires.

You heard me.

scented tiresScented Tires, "deliver an alluring aroma tire that replaces the normal “black rubber” smell with heat-resistant oils in the scent of lavender, and in later versions, neroli (orange) or jasmine."

Just imagine that you're an impoverished farmer in South America or a Thai sex-worker. Someone tells you the Americans are making scented tires. One of two things would cross your mind:

#1 Wow, America really is the promise land.
#2 Idiots.

caffeinated sunflower seedsThis one is pretty harmless, but still totally absurd: caffeinated sunflower seeds.

When you want to get amp'ed on caffeine, but take your time getting there - crack open a bag of caffeinated sunflower seeds. As you individually shell and consume each seed, you'll (at some point) be ready for action.

Here's one for all you aid workers in Africa: we've invented anti-microbial office paper.

". . . laboratory studies reportedly show a 99-percent reduction of MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) and K. pneumoniae compared to unshielded sheets."

Are you still using unshielded sheets? Jesus, how can you sleep at night!?!

I don't care what country you live in, this product is infuriating. First off, wouldn't the scientists' time be better spent working on a cure for, I don't know, cancer? Second, aren't we working towards a paperless office? Third, this whole anti-germ thing is totally out of control. The paper came to market last January and now there's a pen to go with it.

Here's the one that bothers me the most:

plastic cutlery that looks like silverware flatwareThey've created plastic cutlery that looks like real silverware. Guess how much it costs? $30! For $30 you could buy a set of actual silverware.

I saw this at Target (in Portland!) a few months ago and I almost threw up in the aisle. It's just too much - too much freedom.

1 comment:

BookBuster said...

I'm into bread. I love money, I love everything about money, I love to eat it. Money.

They say you can't take it with you? I'm taking it with me.

I'm into bread. I love bread.

I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. I got a fur sink. Oh, let's see.... Electric dog polisher, that was a good one. Gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater.

And of course I've bought some dumb stuff too.