28 May 2008

Does Gold-Digging Count as a Workout?

So, I'm at the gym the other day and this grandpa-looking guy clambers onto the elliptical next to me. He picks the neighboring machine even though there are 15 empty ones in the row: CREE-PY. Luckily, I am prepared for such situations.

Back in my Tri-Met bus riding days, I learned that headphones + magazine creates the most effective weirdo shield. By occupying both your eyes and ears, most people can be effectively ignored. Unfortunately, sweaty grandpa isn't getting the hint.

He says to me, "I see you're reading an article about new cars. I just bought a new car."

Guys, I was reading Sport Diver magazine. There was no article about new cars.

It gets better:

"I just bought a new car. It's an Infiniti. . ."

An Infiniti? Gramps, you have to do better than that. This is South Orange County. We've got more Infinitis than we have trees. To impress a gold digging wench, you better drive a Lotus or Maserati.

After I got through my feelings of disgust I thought to myself, "this whole gold-digger thing is a two-way street." What kind of woman does a man expect to get with a pick-up line like that? There may be chicks who only date guys for their money, but there are guys who use only their money to pick up chicks.

I relayed this story to my mom. She asked, "well what kind of pick-up line would work for you?" This is subject to change, but:

"Would you like some mac and cheese? I'll do the dishes," is a great place to start. "I have eight million frequent flyer miles" would make a pretty good closer.

20 May 2008

Graphjam - The Funniest Website I've Seen in Months

Today I killed an hour of valuable work time looking at charts like the one pasted below. Thanks Graphjam!

Here's another one:

funny graphs

funny graphs

Mo Money Mo Problems

Okay, you get the idea.

You know what's even better? This site is part of the LOL Cats / I Can Has Cheesburger. Those guys are geniuses.

18 May 2008

Too much freedom

There's a comedian (Chris Rock?) who does a bit called "Too Much Freedom." The gist is: Americans have wealth and resources most countries could only dream of . . . and we use this bounty to create innane products like scented tires.

You heard me.

scented tiresScented Tires, "deliver an alluring aroma tire that replaces the normal “black rubber” smell with heat-resistant oils in the scent of lavender, and in later versions, neroli (orange) or jasmine."

Just imagine that you're an impoverished farmer in South America or a Thai sex-worker. Someone tells you the Americans are making scented tires. One of two things would cross your mind:

#1 Wow, America really is the promise land.
#2 Idiots.

caffeinated sunflower seedsThis one is pretty harmless, but still totally absurd: caffeinated sunflower seeds.

When you want to get amp'ed on caffeine, but take your time getting there - crack open a bag of caffeinated sunflower seeds. As you individually shell and consume each seed, you'll (at some point) be ready for action.

Here's one for all you aid workers in Africa: we've invented anti-microbial office paper.

". . . laboratory studies reportedly show a 99-percent reduction of MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) and K. pneumoniae compared to unshielded sheets."

Are you still using unshielded sheets? Jesus, how can you sleep at night!?!

I don't care what country you live in, this product is infuriating. First off, wouldn't the scientists' time be better spent working on a cure for, I don't know, cancer? Second, aren't we working towards a paperless office? Third, this whole anti-germ thing is totally out of control. The paper came to market last January and now there's a pen to go with it.

Here's the one that bothers me the most:

plastic cutlery that looks like silverware flatwareThey've created plastic cutlery that looks like real silverware. Guess how much it costs? $30! For $30 you could buy a set of actual silverware.

I saw this at Target (in Portland!) a few months ago and I almost threw up in the aisle. It's just too much - too much freedom.