10 March 2008

I Hate This House

The house next door to my Mom's so horrible. It's too big, ugly and out of place. Look at the damn thing.

From the street all you can see are five garages. UGLY!
Also, IT'S TOO BIG! The builder squeezed a giant house on a regular-sized lot. This house just doesn't belong with the rest of them. There are no other McMansions on our block.

I dream of buying it one day and blowing it up . I'm not talking about anything illegal here. I don't want to destroy anyone's home. I'll buy it first and then blow it up.

Actually, my dream is to buy it anonymously. After a few weeks, I'll invite the builder to come over. Maybe I'll tell him that I'm having a party.

When he arrives, I'll tell him there's a surprise for him in the garage. I'll hand him a detonating trigger - disguised as a garage door opener. When he pushes the button, the house will implode like when they took down The Kingdome. Then I will lick the tears from his face.*

* This is a South Park reference from the Scott Tenorman Must Die episode. I'm not THAT weird.


Lena said...

Except, of course, the fact that you reference THAT episode makes us all a little suspicious ;-)

Hope you're doing awesomely. I owe you lots of emails. I just started my student teaching a week ago and I'm done in June - didn't this just fly right by? Since I'm currently unemployed all summer, I'm HOPING it'll be delighfully productive. As you know, that's dependent on the weather. If it's gray, I'll be inside with my microbrews and a book.

Anonymous said...

While you're at it please also blow up the house directly across the street from your Mom's with all the tacky stuff in the yard and the one next to Jean's with the yard full of rocks and what appear to be weeds. Let's save Riverside Drive from itself!

Anonymous said...

That's KAMRAN.
I love this house,the most beautiful soothing residence. We have houses in Tehran, er, Milan exactly congruent with this. Six glorious garage doors, room for all my brochures. Reminiscent of the pyramids of Giza, undulating concrete compels Nile symbolism punctuated a pallet smeared with medjool dates and toasted almonds! One of a kind. I can sell this house for you for nothing down. Don't you think I look like Donny Osmond, Yes?