25 January 2008

Hapa Height - It's No Fun Being Short

When little Asian people have kids with tall round-eyes, interesting things can happen. Most of my cousins are also hapa (half and half) and we all look different. At a family reunion a few years ago I said to my cousin,

"How'd you get to be so tall?"

She replied, "How'd you get tits?"

Yeah well, she can get a boob job. I can't get any taller.

Some of the ladies at work tell me they would prefer to be petite, but I think one day in a short person's shoes and they'd change their mind. First off, let's look at a short person's shoes*:

* Shoes. The one thing we short people can buy just like you regular people. Don't even get me started on finding a pair of pants that fit right.

These are the Dansko's I wear just about every day. Look at the platform on those babies! I get at least an extra inch or two in these - but I still can't reach the top shelf at the grocery store. I have to reach as far up as I can just to bat at the taco shells - like a cat! Who's idea was it to put the breakables on the top shelf anyway?

The grocery store is one of the worst places to be if you're short. One-sixth of the store out of reach, and the staff is generally unsympathetic. Look, I don't WANT to be climbing up into the freezer case but they've left me no other choice. There is one exception...

For some reason, Trader Joe's keeps all of their products at a reasonable height. I don't know if this is true or not, but an employee once told me that the CEO is "a little Napoleon." Apparently any shelf more than five feet high is verboten. One of the many reasons Trader Joe's gets the majority of my business.

Speaking of eating, the other thing that is non-enviable about being a smaller person is the standard dosage of food and medicine. The nutritional facts on a packages of let's say Macaroni and Cheese are for a human who needs 2,000 calories a day. Someone my size needs only 1,200. An average sleep aid is meant to knock out a 200 pound man, guess what happens when a little person takes it? Forget operating heavy machinery I can't even set my alarm clock.

I know I should just get used to it because I'm not going to get any taller. Still, I wish other people would show a little more consideration for the wee folk. It makes me bananas to be constantly weaving behind a tall person at a concert. Stand still, damn you! Movies are kind of the same situation. Also, people who design airplane seats, thank you for making a chair perfectly designed to give me a neck cramp by forcing my head to jutt forward. That's not a neck rest, it's reverse chiropracting.

Turns out I'm on the taller end of short, I can't imagine what it's like to be under five feet. I'm actually above average height for a Japanese person (my finger marks how tall I am while the red line marks the height of an average Japanese woman).

I guess I should embrace my shortness, my shortitude. I'm not short, I'm fun-sized! I don't need to be tall. I don't need to be all squashed up in airplane seats. I kind of like soft tacos!

Yeah . . .

Now can someone please help me hang a picture?


Anonymous said...

so, you think it's easier for tallies, do ya?

howzabout having to remember your jr. high gymnastics to take a shower? most apartment and hotel shower heads hit me in the chest/torso region which can be a real jolly experience when washing one's shampoo-adhering locks.

then there's trying to fit in the backseat of a compact car. if i could be a toy, it would be a rock 'em sock 'em robot so i could somehow compress my neck enough to not have to stare at the floor. nevermind the static electricity created in my hair (that took 3 minutes more to get the shampoo out of because of the yoga-showerhead experience) from the cozy proximity with the car roof to my noggin.

as far as headrests go, i think it's an aerospace/orthopedic conspiracy. they're bad for talls too.

and it would be nice to wear heels and feel like a female instead of shaq.

so, give me the damned nail - i'll hang your picture.

and pass me some gauze. i'm up here trying to clot a nosebleed from the high altitude.

- The M.A.D. Hapa said...

Fair enough!

PS You crack me up . . .

Anonymous said...

yes...and that is why I put the liquor in the cabinet above the fridge...so my husband stays sober during the day. -- LEAH

little ginger said...

This is really funny. I always think of you as tall. Which means, I suppose, that you would really hate being in my shoes!