Totally Baked

My mom is one of the best cooks around. I know everyone says that, but has your mom ever had a DJ give her a shoutout? I think not.

While I'm home for the holiday break I thought it would be a good idea to receive tutelage from the wise one. So I baked me a pie.

Don't get excited, I'm not going to become a pie factory. There is one person who is entitled to a pie in 2008, after that I don't know. Anyway, we had some good mom-daughter time and later I got to eat a delicious pumpkin chiffon pie.

Just to prove I'm not going domestic on you guys, I'd like to offer up the above photo - which has to be the most hardcore baker photo ever taken. Note the facial expression.

Earlier in the week, Shanno and I picked up a gingerbread cookie kit at Target. Hey, it was one of those late night purchases. I think we were dodging a meth-head. So, on pie day it seemed appropriate to "get 'er done" (to use the parlance of our times).

It just occurred to me that Crayola is the manufacturer of this gingerbread kit. Interesting. I suppose this wouldn't be the first time I've eaten one of their products.

So, it's impossible to make cookies that look like what's on the box. They don't even give you enough icing packets to do it. I'm not trying to shitcan Crayola, the problem is rampant throughout the crafting and cooking biz. Like the parent who's expectations you could never live up to - your creation will never look as good as what's on the package. The only option is to turn one's back to their hoity-toity ideals - and create cookies that speak to the people.

I present - the midnight cookie collection:

That's SO Portland

I've been home one week and already I've had some uniquely Portland experiences. I'm not talking about eating tofu scramble or seeing a hippie. I'm talking about the things Portlanders accept as totally normal but are, in fact, kind of odd.

The first one is self-explanatory, I guess. A friend's ex-roommate took polaroids of himself on days he was feeling especially sexy. He would leave the polaroids around their apartment, I guess to cheer him up on fat days. I'm not really sure, but I do know that it's fab-oo-lous.

This next one is also fairly obvious: this couple decided to make homemade granola for their wedding guests. I think this gifting trend is weird to begin with, the idea that they roasted, bagged and labeled their own blend of wedding granola takes it to a whole new level.

I should mention - I shot this photo at a store that sells leftover stickers, diskettes, yarn, and other scraps for school teachers to use in their art projects. Barry got a box of about 100 senior photos from the 80's - for $1.

This is a cut out of Carrie Browstein fashioned into a Christmas tree ornament. If you don't know who she is you are not cool enough to be reading this blog.

Here's another holiday one - a flyer for a Christmas Eve party at Sassy's strip club. I know what you're thinking,

"My neighborhood strip club has a XXXmas Eve party too, so what?"

Yeah, does your strip club offer secret-recipe Jello shots, free porn and a deep-fried turkey dinner? It's a competitive market up here. Also, I'd like to point out that Sexy Santa is inked up. Take that, OC. Our ho's can beat up your ho's... I mean dancers.


The piece de resistance is this seemingly innocuous rave flyer. I guess they aren't called raves anymore, they're trance gatherings, but you know what I mean.

I get my trademark hair extensions done by this really cool chick who lives in southeast. Last summer, she and her boyfriend were told they had to move. The rental house where they lived was being sold and they had thirty days to pack up the house.

So my friend starts packing . . . and packing. She figures her boyfriend will jump in and help out, but a couple weeks go by and he hasn't done a thing. She asks, "can you give me a hand packing up the house?" He declines. Why? Because he's working on a poster for the solstice.

The winter solstice.

For those of you keeping track: the winter solstice was last Saturday. Needless to say, she dumped his ass. It wasn't just the non-helpfullness, once they got to the new place the dude had no money to pay rent or the deposit.

Please see above right for the infamous poster - it's nice and everything, but, definitely not worth sacrificing a girlfriend and a place to live.

Crap, I guess this post ended up being about stupid hippies afterall.

Beer robot

The Japanese have thought of everything. First the heated toilet seat, now a robot that brings you beer. It even pours the beer - and tilts the glass while it pours. Holy crap.

Check out the beer robot website for a video. 

Cool Crap that's not on my Christmas list

MIXA USB Mix tape

It's a 1GB USB drive disguised in a cassette tape. I have to admit: I sometimes miss the old days of mixtape exchanging. I used to spend hours making mini-collages out of magazine clippings and Japanese stationery stickers. Capturing the true spirit of my musical medley through the perfect combination of acid-eyed kittens and Tori Amos promotional photos . . . that was ART, man.

I also like this t-shirt, called

Punk vs. Disco.

Unfortunately it only comes in men's sizes so it would never fit.

For reasons I can't explain, I'm drawn to these I Heart Guts things. They're cute-yet-

creepy: my favorite.

You know those people who drive aroundwith stuffed animals in the back window of their car? I'd love to get some I Heart Guts and put them in my back window. Now who's the craziest?!?!

I also really dig this whole "steampunk" trend where people merge old-timey stuff with technology/ sci-fi ideals. For example, check out the modifications this guy made to a laptop:

If I had one of these things I think I'd have to get a monocle and a hot air balloon to go with it. I think I'd also need a pet raven (that's half robot half actual raven) to spy on my enemies.

I digress . . . apparently the damn thing works and gets wi-fi. Check out datamancer.net for how he did it plus more mod's.

Here's what's actually on my Christmas list

• Black Chuck Taylor high-tops
  
• Box of biodegradable garbage bags
  
• Swim goggles

After a little more thought I added:

• Emergency radio
• The state quarters I'm missing from my collection

I'm a dork, I know. I scored 27% on the geek test.