22 March 2007

Fill-in-the-Blank Movie Review

When I worked as a projectionist, I saw somewhere between 150 - 180 films each year. Now that I have to fork over my hard-earned money for movies, I'm a little more selective. Last year I saw barely 85 films (most of them thanks to Netflix).

These days I spend as much time listening to reviews as I do going to films. But so often, the reviews are as formulaic as the films they are supposed to protect me against.

I came up with the a fill-in-the-blank movie review. Next time you hear a film critic spouting off, I think you'll notice some similarities.

The highly anticipated film from ________ director Pat Generico opens in limited release this weekend.

__ revered
__ first-time
__ former music video
__ Mexican

I don't know about you (co-host name), but I thought the best part of this film was the __________.

__ final battle scene
__ special effects
__ jokes we saw in the trailer
__ credits

The scene where __________, what were they thinking? We've seen this a dozen times before, it's like the filmmakers had creative amnesia!

__ we find out there's a second monster
__ our hero has to by condoms from a loud and insensitive cashier
__ the kid has to overcome his fear to save his best friend
__ the woman is both mother and sister to her daughter

I disagree completely. I thought the lead performance was ___________ and I look forward to great things from this filmmaking team.

_ a revelation
_ Oscar-worthy
_ courageous
_ surprisingly lifelike

The level of detail put into every frame was supurb, and to think they made this film for less than ten million. We may have the next great American filmmaker on our hands. To me, this film was reminiscent of an early _______ picture.

__ Martin Scorcese
__ John Carpenter
__ Woody Allen
__ Robert Altman

Well you're right about that, but I liked this film better when it was called:

__ Goodfellas
__ The Fog
__ Sleeper
__ Short Cuts
__ Pink Flamingos

I don't think it's possible that you and I saw the same film, Captain Hyperbole. There are so many young directors out there doing this _________ style of filmmaking- and doing it better. Besides, the casting of Justin Timberlake was absolutely criminal. The casting director should be blacklisted.

__ modern fable
__ faux documentary
__ 1970's
__ ensemble cast

Does this mean I won't be seeing you at the sequel?

No, I'll be at home:

__ cleaning my gutters
__ watching mildew grow on my shower curtain
__ re-enacting The Shining
__ praying for the future of cinema

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Sadly, pretty damn true. This is why I've started just watching the originals that are being ripped off.