25 November 2006

KAMRAN

Ask any random Orange Countyite to name the most annoying household pests and you'll get three responses:

(in no particular order)

#1 Ants

#2 Rats

#3 Realtors


Here in Aliso Viejo, the most ubiquitous realtor is one name Kamran. Every few weeks we receive a promotional notepad with his face on it. I like to think of them as Kamran droppings.


Kamran, aliso viejo relator


I know what you're thinking, "I thought Orange County banned gays along with unwed mothers." Well you're right, they did. Which is further evidence to my hypothesis that Kamran doesn't actually exist. At least, not in the way you or I exist...


Kamran, or should I say KAMRAN (because it's always presented in all caps), is the first of his kind. He is an everyrealtor. Though I don't have evidence to prove it, I believe KAMRAN is actually an acronym for:


Kosher

Amalgamated

Male

Real Estate

Antibacterial

Neobot


Created by committee to be the superealtor of the future, KAMRAN is a composite of: all successful realtors of the past 10 years, all non-threatening males such as teachers, nurses, and gay friends, and maybe there's a little puppy in there as well.


On the KAMRAN website, visitors are welcomed by " The KAMRAN Team - Allen| Trisha| Caryn." I haven't figured out how to spell KAMRAN from Allen Trisha Caryn, so I have to assume those three are beta tests of some kind. Or perhaps they are the discarded alphas.


Need more evidence? I have it from a very good source that KAMRAN does not attend his open house showings. He's always "unavailable" and someone from the KAMRAN Project greets you instead. Did I say project? I meant team. The same source informs me his latest promotional event, KAMRAN's Pumpkin Patch, featured both pumpkins and patches, but no KAMRAN.


I hope you will agree that the KAMRAN Project is the start of a very disturbing trend. Perhaps you've seen the evolution video where a perfectly normal woman is transformed into an ad-worthy femalesque specimen using a little makeup and a lot of photoshop.


I think the marketeers have crossed the line. I long for the days when charming humanoids such as the Pine Sol lady, the Snapple woman and Ben & Jerry populated the advertising landscape.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your perception of Kamran is somewhat distorted by your lack of information. The imagery is purposefully designed to mask an ethnicity (so as to not lose potential sales) He is many steps beyond the aptitude and skill of most real estate agents. He has a very refined, optimized business model. My business partner, as well as a friend have sold their houses through Kamran and were very satisfied. You should aspire to perform or know someone that is as successful and professional as him. If you are disguested with the OC, why not move to the woods and camp out? Just don't take any of the modern conveniences with you. Public safety, sewers, electricity, transportion, food, jobs, computers. Ah allure of the simple life, just don't forget where you are. And when you want to sell or buy a house I can recommend someone, but he is a minority and highly effecient. I don't think he brokers Tee-pee type housing - yet.

CROWBOT 4 said...

Anonymous, eh? Me thinks KAMRAM has dispatched a PRobot (Public Relations Robot) to defend it's good name. Clearly a PR-1 as evidenced by it's use of mispellings and flawed logic designed to throw us off the scent. Very disguesting, indeed. Reveal yourself, droid...REVEAL YOURSELF!

kristen said...

Holy crap, girl you are HILARIOUS! I would love to write like you when I grow up! :)

KC