28 May 2008

Does Gold-Digging Count as a Workout?

So, I'm at the gym the other day and this grandpa-looking guy clambers onto the elliptical next to me. He picks the neighboring machine even though there are 15 empty ones in the row: CREE-PY. Luckily, I am prepared for such situations.

Back in my Tri-Met bus riding days, I learned that headphones + magazine creates the most effective weirdo shield. By occupying both your eyes and ears, most people can be effectively ignored. Unfortunately, sweaty grandpa isn't getting the hint.

He says to me, "I see you're reading an article about new cars. I just bought a new car."

Guys, I was reading Sport Diver magazine. There was no article about new cars.

It gets better:

"I just bought a new car. It's an Infiniti. . ."

An Infiniti? Gramps, you have to do better than that. This is South Orange County. We've got more Infinitis than we have trees. To impress a gold digging wench, you better drive a Lotus or Maserati.

After I got through my feelings of disgust I thought to myself, "this whole gold-digger thing is a two-way street." What kind of woman does a man expect to get with a pick-up line like that? There may be chicks who only date guys for their money, but there are guys who use only their money to pick up chicks.

I relayed this story to my mom. She asked, "well what kind of pick-up line would work for you?" This is subject to change, but:

"Would you like some mac and cheese? I'll do the dishes," is a great place to start. "I have eight million frequent flyer miles" would make a pretty good closer.


BookBuster said...

This would never happen in Portland. The climate here is hell on their rheumatoid arthritis. Gyms are unthinkable for Infiniti drivers over 65.

Portland 1, Orange County 0

Unknown said...

I love reading your blog. It makes me smile...even on cloudy Portland days.

Oddly enough I had a creepy old man encounter this morning at MY gym! I was walking out, freshly showered and heading to work, when a guy checking in at the front desk blatantly looked me up and down while the front desk guy was trying to give him back his card. I had no idea that carrying a backpack, wet towel and sweatshirt was so sexy. Boy was I dressing wrong when going out to bars in my early 20s!

smartwick said...

This is hilarious. Maybe your blood pressure was slightly elevated and you got a better workout? That's the only upside I can see. Oh, and you got to tell a funny story with an awesome photo!

Anonymous said...

Clearly your head phones were not turned up loud enough, because you were able to hear his question. Another option is to pretend you are deaf, but then you have to make sure you don't make any eye contact either.

The Mac an Cheese line might be a good one because you can get into an entire conversation on the brand and the type...are we talking classic Kraft, spicy mac from Montage, organic mac...oh, the conversation opportunities are endless.


Anonymous said...

no creepy old guys!!!! ugh -

Anonymous said...


Creepy old guys used to be creepy young guys. If you want to buy a house check me out! Or sell one!
The guy couldn't have been that creepy judging by the way you lit the shot with sun raking across his speckled bosom, and judging by his stubble he must of stayed the weekend! I have some 55+ condos, can I have this guys contact info?