08 June 2005

no-kids-allowed airline

Greetings all,

Let's see, what's new this month? Well, I just got back from my last business trip for the season. This time it was a four-day trip to Houston, Texas. They say Houston is the fourth largest city in America. I think maybe they were judging based on waistline (ba-dump bum).

Actually, Houston isn't a terrible place. This was my second visit and both were, as The Crow would say, it was "non-objectionable." I think there are many misconceptions about Houston. For one thing, there are no cowboys there. In fact, I imagine Houston is fairly similar in appearance to most mid-sized cities such as Atlanta, Columbus, etc. There are many attractive historical buildings and the downtown seems similar in size to Seattle. That said, I wouldn't drink the water, leave the city limits, or breathe the air for any extended period of time. This is "Bush-country" after all. Oddly, I saw very few of those "W" stickers, fewer than I see here in Orange County. Maybe it just goes without saying.

Everyone in Houston was very friendly, and it was fun to experience a little of that Texas pride. People really do put "Don't Mess With Texas" stickers on their bumpers and nearly everyone greets you with a friendly "Hi, ya'll" (even if you're by yourself . . . which confused me at first). I also got to enjoy several tasty meals of Cajun-style food. Overall, I'd say Houston is more of a southern city than a cowboy town. One last thing, the classic rock station played a sweeper that went something like, "Here at KTEX we play the full spectrum of classic rock from Lynyrd Skynrd to 38 Special to the Steve Miller Band." I nearly swerved off the road I was laughing so hard.

So, after this latest trip, I am more convinced than ever that there should be an airline that bans children. I even have a slogan for them: "Every Child Left Behind."

For those of you who are pro-child, hear me out:

I am willing to tolerate a little bit of fussing on take off and landing. It can be a little scary and I understand it's tough to get the hang of "popping" ones ears. But the constant chattering and kicking of the seat and running up and down the aisles and smearing their boogers on the armrest is more than a person should be asked to endure. Think about it, they require special carriers for pets on airplanes to prevent the very same activities that children are permitted to do with complete impunity.

This isn't an isolated incident either. I've been on over fourteen flights since January and more than half of them were plagued with misbehaving kids. Sitting in my seat, unable to sleep because of the repeated blows to the back of my neck from the kid behind me, I fantasize about having the bad ones tagged. The next time they step up to the gangway, a large red light will flash and a big sign will light up that says "REJECTED."

Or maybe kids should be required to get special permits: passport-looking-things for air travel. The parent would have to present the permit at the airport. If the child has been good, no problem, have a nice flight. If the child has received three or more infraction stamps. NYET! Out of there. No Disneyland for you!

Alternately, I propose no-kid flights, or, no children on flights between 5am and 9am. Who's with me?!?

Well, that's about it. I've been doing a bit of blogging recently. Click the link below to read about:

The creepiest birthday card ever:

and/or my thoughts on the new Victoria's Secret bra commercials

Until next time.


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