08 June 2005

the creepiest greeting card ever

So I was at the Save-On yesterday looking for birthday cards. You've got the usual array: Hallmark, American Greetings, birthday cards for "Him," anniversary cards for "Her," those creepy cards of the animals with the big eyes, etc.

I'm scanning the little headers that appear behind each stack of cards and I see one that says "Secret Pal." In the midst of all the ones that say "Just for Fun" or "From the Group" there's this lone stack that says "Secret Pal." What the hell? So I pick it up. The front has a nice watercolor of some happy, colorful balloons along side the message:

"Happy Birthday from your Secret Pal who thinks you're very special"
On the inside it says, ". . . and don't you forget it."

Just imagine receiving a card like this either in the mail or, even worse, at work.

First of all, there's the whole secret pal thing. That's weird. Nobody wants a secret pal. Secret Santa? Maybe. Secret Pal. Oh HELL no. Friendship is supposed to be a two-way thing. When it's not, that's called stalking. Secondly, it's super freaky that the hypothetical secret pal has found out when your birthday is, written it down and (more than likely) obsessed over it.

Oh Man. Her birthday is coming up. What am I going to do? I have to let her know how special I think she is, but I don't want to freak her out. I don't want her to guess that I have a ball of her hair in my drawer that I collect from her coat when she's away from her desk.

Then, lo and behold, the creep goes to Save-On and finds exactly what they're looking for.

Kaloo-Kalay, there's a greeting card for everything! Now I can surprise her on her special day. I wonder if she'll guess it's me. If she figures it out, I'll have to go to her house in the middle of the night and convince her that I'm not crazy!

The last and best thing about this secret pal card is the message on the inside ". . . and don't you forget it." Your secret pal is watching. I know everything there is to know about you - where you shop, where you live, what you like to eat, and I even know that you sleep on your side and wear pink pajamas! AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!!!

I'm thinking I should send one to The Tool with, like, a bloody thumbprint on it.

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