26 March 2005

oranges to apples

Greetings, All!

I have recently returned from a trip to New Jersey and The Big Apple
which was half work and half fun. I The first part of my trip was
representing my company at the self-proclaimed "largest consumer scuba
show in North America" which takes place each year in Secaucus, New
Jersey. My company, for better or worse is the Microsoft/George Lucas/Nike
of our industry. We're not evil, but, we're the largest and,
therefore, most scrutinized.

One cool thing that came out of the show was a tour of CNN. It turns
out that one of the technicians over there is big into diving. So,
after the show one day, my co-worker Amy and I got a behind-the-scenes tour.

The rest of the work-related part of the trip was uneventful as there
is jack shit to do in Secaucus and the cab ride to the city (one-way)
can be as high as $85. As a result, I spent more time than I care to
remember sitting in the Outback Steakhouse attached to the hotel. In
case you're wondering what a vegetarian can get to eat at The Outback,
the answer is: beer. Good thing I wrote my room number on the back of
my hand before I headed down to dinner that night.

New York, on the other hand, was full of truly outstanding eating
opportunities. In four days I think I had four distinctly different
kinds of Japanese cuisine. I also saw a really bitchin' Thai movie
called Ong-Bak which reminded me of old Jackie Chan flicks -a simple
story and lots and lots of action. It was a great trip and a
much-needed infusion of culture.

Back at home, the guy I sit next to, let's call him "The Tool," seems
to be hanging in past his first 90 days. To make matters worse, one
of my favorite people in our department just put in his two weeks
notice. This virtually guarantees The Tool will be around for at
least another month since it would be impossible for our department
to be down two (out of a total of eight) people.

"Hate" is a strong word, I know. But, believe me, if you were put in
a room with this guy, just you and The Tool, within ten minutes you
would be looking for an implement to kill either him or yourself. I
hate this guy. He is the most arrogant piece of shit that does
nothing but talk about himself all day and gives his unsolicited
opinion about everything. Here is an example of the crap that
regularly dribbles out of his pie hole:

"How can I promote my roadside billboard concept to the dive centers
without becoming their go-to guy for all things marketing?"

"Megan, how can you be a vegetarian and not like vegetables?"

"Oregon, that's the home of The Mud Ducks. Go Mud Ducks."
[Me: Actually, it's just 'The Ducks.']
"No, I'm pretty certain that's incorrect. Oregon is the home of 'The
Mud Ducks.'"
[Me: Well, I only lived there for 25 years, I'm sure, being from
Arizona, that you're right.]

Did I mention that he wears sweater vests? This isn't some kind of
indie rocker look or anything, he honestly wants to look like a
pretentious asshole. Still don't hate him? How about this: his
previous job was selling guns over the internet, he thinks charging
higher taxes to the rich is "discrimination," and he thinks all
feminists are "man-haters."

So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to get rid of an unwanted
co-worker, please let me know. The whole department hates the guy.
Our best idea so far is to put LSD in his herbal tea and turn a laser
pointer on him.

Last thing:
I'm thinking of starting a blog just so I can log all of these rants
online. It would be back-up storage more than anything else. I have
some ideas for a name, let me know what you think and if you have any
other suggestions.

Weblog Name Ideas:

M.A.D. Hapa or Diary of a M.A.D. Hapa
(Hapa = Hawaiian word for a half-Asian & half-white person, M.A.D. =
my initials)

The Little Red Car
(named after my car, of course)

PDX Fugitive

Behind the Orange Curtain

??? other suggestions

Hope you all are well! Until next time. . .


08 March 2005

ipex shmipex

Have you see the TV ad for the Victoria's Secret Apex bra? Or, Ipex or whatever the hell it's called?

It's basically the supermodel Giselle standing on a catwalk and flinging her arms around while flashbulps pop all around. The voiceover tells the viewer that the Ipex bra is the most high-tech and comfortable bra ever. From the looks of things, even the bustiest of women can achieve complete support and comfort while -as the ad demonstrates- standing in one place.


As a marketeer, I fully understand the dichotomy of marketing women's lingerie: you're selling to women but appealing to men. I get that. The women want to be the chick in the ad because all the guys think she's hot. Uh huh.

But, dammit, seeing some amazon in high heels posing in her skivvies does not inspire me to go down the local mall, find parking, fight the crowds, dig around for my size, wait for a dressing room, try the darn thing on, and pay $45 freakin' dollars.

You know what MIGHT inspire me to do it? I'd like to see a woman (with at least a "C" cup and no visible muscle tone) running down a flight of stairs, and looking happy about it.

Hell, maybe even a cheesy compare and contrast. Something like this:

Aforementioned woman galloping down the stairs, bosoms heaving (maybe one hits her in the neck or knocks her coffee out of her hand). In the bra-view cutaway we see the inferior bra acting as little more than a boob sack. The woman is clearly uncomfortable, and to add insult to injury, she has to pass the creepy guy from accounting who leers at her and smiles a big perv. smile and says "nice sweater."

Then they show the IPEX:
The same woman as before is descending the stairs rapidly as before only this time she is carefree. The cutaway shows her completely strapped in with little-to-no movement. Yet, outwardly, the woman's upper torso appears very shapely. She passes the same creepy accountant, but this time, he ignores her.

Eh? Eh?

Now THAT is a bra I would buy.